Sunday, March 04, 2012

Heh, so my results ain't that good. Whatever. But please just stop rubbing it in. Seriously...
F*CK OFF ALREADY.
Sorry if I have shamed you in any way. Sorry if you have no face to see your fellow colleagues when they ask about your daughter's result. I know they will be thinking, "Eh? But I thought you said your daughter quite smart one? How come like that?" well sorry to break it to you. I am not smart. Since when did I ever say that? Why do you keep assuming, why do you keep bragging about me? Am I just some mere commodity for you to flaunt? And if I do fail you, will you ever just throw me away? It is easy to talk about the other idiot's achievement because she doesn't have much to begin with. When she gets something, you will be all WOW and AWESOME about it. When I get something, it is just "another accomplishment" I should have achieved. Why? I am tired of trying to please you. Tired of trying to keep up to your expectations. Tired of living my life YOUR way.

What is all this crap about "Actually you didn't do well, do you know that?" crap?! For goodness sake, I damn well know you freaking bitch. If not what were those tears for? Oh wait. You didn't see them nor did you bother to hear them. Unlike dad. You think I don't feel bad about it? This is MY life. If there was anyone more upset, that should be me. And here comes the "You should have gotten X more A's. This shouldn't have happened." No shit. Your inability to feel, has made me wonder if you are really my mother. I honestly see no effort in you trying to talk to me. If you were to talk, it would be only pure academic. So am I just part of your retirement plan? Just so you could secure a steady source of allowance once you retire? Is it because you are afraid that other one cannot do so for you?

Do you know how much I envy those who can be true to themselves and go up to their mother, give them a hug and say "I love you". I can't. Because I never found the reason to. I tried, for 18 years of my life. I still am. You always say I have no expressions, I am one with low EQ. Maybe I really have low EQ. But the reason why I can't show emotions to you is because I just don't know how. And the worst part is, no matter how much I tell myself I hate you, I don't. I can't. At the end if the day, I know I am lying to myself. And this truth hurts. A lot. I cannot hate the person who is causing me so much pain. Everything would be so much easier if I could just hate you right now. But I can't. Because after all, you have been such a huge part of my life. But do you know that because you are such a huge part of my life, every single thing you say hurts me 10 times more? If a teacher or a friend were to say bad things about me, yea I would be sad, for maybe a day or two. Your words scar me. What you say means a lot to me. And what you usually say HURT me. I cry over your words in silence. When nobody is around. Because I want nobody to see this pathetic side of me. It disgusts even me. So please, just let me, for once, believe that I have done you proud. Sorry I can't be the daughter who studies from 9-5 just to achieve good results. I am also sorry for not having any exceptional talent in music or art which you can show to others. I am sorry for being mediocre. But that is just me. Whether you like it or not, you are going to have to settle for this person as your daughter. And I know you would rather have others as your daughter, from the constant comparison and straight out "Can't you be more like her?" remarks that I get so often. But no, this is me. That's too bad.

What a "great" way to start my Sunday... Okay enough ranting.
元気になろう！

rambled on 3/04/2012 01:53:00 pm

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