Friday, March 30, 2012

Hmm... I am feeling pretty lost now. Like a series of intense and mixed feelings just keep coming at me. I feel extremely happy and fortunate on on hand, on the other, I feel disappointed and angry. Happy because the trip I have been planning so long for is finally here, but because of that, I have to forfeit one day of fun to recuperate. Fortunate because I have friends who care about me and even after telling them they still accepted me for who I am. Disappointment because I just received a double whammy. Two rejections at one go. Heh. Not like I was expecting much. I sort of had that gut feeling it would not get through. After all, I am not outstanding. Just average. Although I told myself not to expect much, the feeling of expectation and hopes just kept growing and growing, waiting in anticipation, only to find my hopes being crushed. Twice. I know I already have obtained other opportunities but I just can't help but feel pretty down about this. But then again, even if I got it, I would most likely have to reject it. Heh. And angry because I cannot control all these emotions. I am supposed to be able to hide my feelings, control them well and not let the get to me. But right now, I am so angry at myself for not being able to tame these feelings. And it doesn't help that I am sort of useless now because I cannot even walk in normal shoes. Oh the embarrassment. I loathe my pathetic self right now.
In other news, I will be shopping for a decent pair of slippers to get by the next few days. Hope it wouldn't be crazy expensive.

rambled on 3/30/2012 08:25:00 am

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Friday, March 23, 2012

STOMACH
HAS
TO
STOP

GROWLING!!!
ROARRR!

I can't concentrate on work today. Everything just screams JAPANN!!! to me. It isn't just me. SMS-ing the gang also made me realise how excited they are.

This feeling is so surreal.

rambled on 3/23/2012 09:59:00 am

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Thursday, March 22, 2012

Yayy! \(^.^)/ !!
I will be in Japan in like... less than 3 days :D
So what? This is different because it will be a trip with no adult supervision :P
I can't imagine the random suggestion of going for a holiday overseas would actually materialise, and it would be in Japan! I guess this just proves that an idea, no matter how small, can become a reality if there is effort and determination.
This random suggestion came up 4 years ago, when everyone was busy preparing for O's (while I was "preparing" for the HMT paper)and it just stuck in our heads (at least it did for me). The thought of how nice it would be to actually be able to go overseas together, with no adults following us. The freedom to go wherever we want, do whatever we want to do, plan the trip ourselves. Then when everyone went to different JCs, it was even harder to meet up. We took whatever stupid excuses/reasons to see each other, like NH mid-autumn festival (LOL?) and made the effort to celebrate everyone's birthday (and all the failed surprises). Somehow or another, the overseas trip always made its way back into our conversations. "OMG yes I want!" was the usual response but in our minds (at least in mine) it would be "Can meh..?"
CAN. HAHA! If everyone is willing.
It was more or less set that we definitely want to go overseas during our preparation for A's. Maybe this adrenaline rush made us decide to go. Maybe we wanted to see this as a reward for mugging our asses off. Maybe we studied until we went mad and made this irrational and rash decision. Whatever the reason, I am glad we chose to go.
The planning process, to be honest, was hell. Booking the hotels, air tickets, JR pass, insurance was freaking stressful and tiring. First was to coordinate with everyone and make a decision. After getting confirmation, I have to book. I am probably the most forgetful, careless, blur person ever. Asking me to book the air tickets for 5 individuals was like, taking exams all over again. I remember checking through every detail 10 times before submitting to the next page. Then one time, my session timed out when I was halfway through *cries in corner*. The worst were the hotels, because we were going to so many places, I was so afraid I would get the date wrong for the hotels. Imagine how shitty it would be to walk into the hotel and realise the reservation is for 3 days later. Yea quite shitty.
Oh well, till now I still have no idea if I booked the correct date for the hotels. LOL. But since I sent the confirmation email to everyone and nobody has spotted any mistakes yet, then hmm... either I am correct or everyone is as blur as me.
Yes!! Japan, here I come!~

rambled on 3/22/2012 11:18:00 am

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Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Sometimes... timing is everything.
When things happen at the right place, at the right time, in the right situation, amazing things can happen.
However, most of the time, I am at the right place, in the right situation, just not at the right time T.T
Why oh why???
Some day... it will come true. MUAHAHA!

--random thought--

Just something I came across not too long ago:
When we are young, we have time and energy but no money.
As we grow older, we will have money and energy, but no time.
After we retire, we will have time and money, but no more energy.

Haha then I thought of it...

When we are young, we have time and energy...
...to get money, we ask from our parents :P
As we grow older, we will have money and energy...
...make time for the things worth chasing for
After we retire, we will have time and money...
How to get energy? DRINK REDBULL!
...you wouldn't need the energy anyway, you have already done what you want with no regrets :D

Why did I suddenly post that? I have no idea. I just wanted to be random and sound intellectual (and failed apparently).. ok and escape work as well...

I AM GOING TO JAPAN IN LESS THAN A WEEK. WHEEEE!

rambled on 3/20/2012 11:19:00 am

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Saturday, March 17, 2012

Oh gosh...
I have no idea what possessed me to tell my teacher that I would like to continue with theory... Maybe because I know so many people who have grade 8 theory, I felt pressured to get it as well. However, it just isn't as easy as it seems (duh). After like.. 3-4 years of not touching theory, I suddenly have 3 months to prepare for this exam. Knowing the slacker/procrastinator I have always been, you can cut off 2 months and the leaves 1. So... I had 1 month to study for my grade 6 theory exam and I am expected to pass? Please! After not touching this for eons, it's like greek to me (well actually if you include the terms, that would be German, Italian and French) :X I keep feeling the stomachaches coming up whenever I get nervous. It ain't a good feeling. To memorise a whole chunk of terms in such a short period of time is madness. Ok maybe that is what most people do but I have shitty memory!

Oh well, it's my fault for not studying earlier. All I can do now is just do last minute cramming and hope my brain doesn't fail me.

rambled on 3/17/2012 11:01:00 am

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Thursday, March 15, 2012

I complain. A lot. Too much in fact. And sometimes, I don't even have the right to complain. Ok random statement. Not the main objective of this post LOL (though related)

I cannot imagine how someone as mediocre, average, normal, ordinary, common, dull (and the list goes on) as me can actually be given so much. Honestly, a lot of times when I am given something awesome, I can't help but feel that I didn't deserve it or someone else deserves it more than me. I know, because I know I may not appreciate this opportunity/chance as much as someone else (who most probably wants/needs it much more than me). Yes, I feel happy that such an opportunity has been given to me. However, I also feel freaking guilty for having this opportunity. Every time, every single time, something good comes to me, I feel that I don't deserve it. First was after PSLE where I was accepted into NH. I felt as if I didn't deserve such a score for PSLE. It isn't that high, not as outstanding as those who flocked to RGS or NY but NH was a good enough school (at least for me). Then came the offer to NJ. I honestly felt I didn't deserve it. I didn't have awesome grades nor did I have much to offer. There were so many more eligible and deserving people who applied with me but didn't get it. I knew, because these people were gossiping behind my back. Yes, the girl who scored way worse grades than you actually managed to get into NJ. Even my own form teacher laughed in disbelief when I told her I was going to NJ *cries in sorrow*. And now that A's are over... with the kind of grades I got... I actually got way more offers than I ever had my entire life. The worst thing is... I really think I don't deserve it this time. Well sure, I did put in the effort to complete the application form but that is about it. And the first time in my entire life I actually got offered the holy thing that starts with an "S". I must sound like some country bumpkin to those over-achievers. But hey, there is always a first time. And I am really really grateful to be given so much.

But then, for this girl who has never been given a choice, to suddenly be faced with so many offers, I just don't believe that I will be able to make that rational and wise decision. So many "what if's" floating in my head. Seeking advice and help from others don't really help either because they are either too judgmental or busy with their own applications. And yes, in the end I get this "It's your life, your decision." I KNOW. BUT I AM SO DAMN LOST. Oh yeah go on and say how I am actually indirectly bragging that I have so many offers and I am too good. No I am not. If I knew I was good, I would have just taken the best choice and reject the rest. I am really considering every offer, no matter how small, because I want to treasure this opportunity and be thankful to whoever who gave this chance to me. I want to thank that person for seeing beyond my grades and choosing me because he/she sees hidden (really hidden and deep and maybe almost non-existent) potential in me.

Now the problem is whether I can cope. I am not the kind of person who will push myself to study. Never been. Okay maybe I will with peer pressure and the deadline haunting me... However I am too easily distracted and just prioritise everything else "fun" above work. While others have spent 3 hours studying, I spent that time playing games, watching videos and surfing the web. Whatever I have been offered will require a whole new level of discipline I have yet to achieve (or maybe I did for that last month before A's)... I feel scared and insecure that should I just flop, everything I got will be lost. It is just that easy. However, I still want my life. I want to try something new, pursue whatever passion I have and continue with it. It just sucks to know that no matter what, I have to strike that off my list because of... studies.

Now everything just scares me. Last time, it used to be just take this, this and this, no matter what you have these few to fall back on. I have no back up plan now. It is just one course, not 4 H2 subjects! And that course will determine my future, what I will do for the rest of my life. Am I up for this challenge? I don't know.

rambled on 3/15/2012 09:19:00 pm

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Monday, March 12, 2012

So... I am seriously in a dilemma @.@
Choices:
1. Has USP but not guaranteed to graduate with an honours (plus the risk of losing USP).
2. Has direct honours but not guaranteed to get USP.

What I want:
Graduate with honours and have USP.

T.T you can't have you cake and eat it too...

And my new goal just got bashed by HER again. Rawrrrrrr. Time to go back to work.. -.-Zzz

rambled on 3/12/2012 11:21:00 am

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Monday, March 05, 2012

Honestly, who are you to run my life? Who are you to decide what I should study. Who are you to choose my career path? Who gave you the right to comment on my choice in university? Oh sorry. Comment is too light a word. How about degrade? Scorn at? Show clear distaste about?

What is wrong with studying the subject I love, EVEN IF I DIDN'T GET A FREAKING DAMN A FOR IT. And just because I got an A for math, does NOT mean I should be taking accountancy instead. SERIOUSLY?! What kind of screwed up logic is that? Oh and for the record, an A for GP does not mean I should be taking law instead either. That one exam may determine which uni course I can get, but it does not determine where my true strength lies nor does it determine what I should be doing. Who knows, that one A I got could have been pure luck. And thanks to your deluded and unsubstantiated conclusion, I may end up making the wrong decision, making my university life a living hell. So let my do what I want, not for you to decide. And if I have made my decision, for goodness sake, just bloody hell respect it. Don't lament over every damn second how I should be doing other courses or how I am making the wrong choice. Let me make my own decision and regret MY own decision. Because you have nothing to lose if I were to follow your advice and take another course. Don't think I don't know you already have a way out of this. If I were to fail badly in university due to the lack of interest in studying whatever you told me to, you can just shirk off all responsibility by saying that I am "not working hard enough" or "playing too much in choir/too involved in Japanese class". No I won't fall for that.

Anyway, my mind is set. Should I be able to handle more in the future, I shall consider that retarded proposal of yours...

rambled on 3/05/2012 10:15:00 pm

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Sunday, March 04, 2012

Heh, so my results ain't that good. Whatever. But please just stop rubbing it in. Seriously...
F*CK OFF ALREADY.
Sorry if I have shamed you in any way. Sorry if you have no face to see your fellow colleagues when they ask about your daughter's result. I know they will be thinking, "Eh? But I thought you said your daughter quite smart one? How come like that?" well sorry to break it to you. I am not smart. Since when did I ever say that? Why do you keep assuming, why do you keep bragging about me? Am I just some mere commodity for you to flaunt? And if I do fail you, will you ever just throw me away? It is easy to talk about the other idiot's achievement because she doesn't have much to begin with. When she gets something, you will be all WOW and AWESOME about it. When I get something, it is just "another accomplishment" I should have achieved. Why? I am tired of trying to please you. Tired of trying to keep up to your expectations. Tired of living my life YOUR way.

What is all this crap about "Actually you didn't do well, do you know that?" crap?! For goodness sake, I damn well know you freaking bitch. If not what were those tears for? Oh wait. You didn't see them nor did you bother to hear them. Unlike dad. You think I don't feel bad about it? This is MY life. If there was anyone more upset, that should be me. And here comes the "You should have gotten X more A's. This shouldn't have happened." No shit. Your inability to feel, has made me wonder if you are really my mother. I honestly see no effort in you trying to talk to me. If you were to talk, it would be only pure academic. So am I just part of your retirement plan? Just so you could secure a steady source of allowance once you retire? Is it because you are afraid that other one cannot do so for you?

Do you know how much I envy those who can be true to themselves and go up to their mother, give them a hug and say "I love you". I can't. Because I never found the reason to. I tried, for 18 years of my life. I still am. You always say I have no expressions, I am one with low EQ. Maybe I really have low EQ. But the reason why I can't show emotions to you is because I just don't know how. And the worst part is, no matter how much I tell myself I hate you, I don't. I can't. At the end if the day, I know I am lying to myself. And this truth hurts. A lot. I cannot hate the person who is causing me so much pain. Everything would be so much easier if I could just hate you right now. But I can't. Because after all, you have been such a huge part of my life. But do you know that because you are such a huge part of my life, every single thing you say hurts me 10 times more? If a teacher or a friend were to say bad things about me, yea I would be sad, for maybe a day or two. Your words scar me. What you say means a lot to me. And what you usually say HURT me. I cry over your words in silence. When nobody is around. Because I want nobody to see this pathetic side of me. It disgusts even me. So please, just let me, for once, believe that I have done you proud. Sorry I can't be the daughter who studies from 9-5 just to achieve good results. I am also sorry for not having any exceptional talent in music or art which you can show to others. I am sorry for being mediocre. But that is just me. Whether you like it or not, you are going to have to settle for this person as your daughter. And I know you would rather have others as your daughter, from the constant comparison and straight out "Can't you be more like her?" remarks that I get so often. But no, this is me. That's too bad.

What a "great" way to start my Sunday... Okay enough ranting.
元気になろう！

rambled on 3/04/2012 01:53:00 pm

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