Thursday, March 15, 2012

I complain. A lot. Too much in fact. And sometimes, I don't even have the right to complain. Ok random statement. Not the main objective of this post LOL (though related)

I cannot imagine how someone as mediocre, average, normal, ordinary, common, dull (and the list goes on) as me can actually be given so much. Honestly, a lot of times when I am given something awesome, I can't help but feel that I didn't deserve it or someone else deserves it more than me. I know, because I know I may not appreciate this opportunity/chance as much as someone else (who most probably wants/needs it much more than me). Yes, I feel happy that such an opportunity has been given to me. However, I also feel freaking guilty for having this opportunity. Every time, every single time, something good comes to me, I feel that I don't deserve it. First was after PSLE where I was accepted into NH. I felt as if I didn't deserve such a score for PSLE. It isn't that high, not as outstanding as those who flocked to RGS or NY but NH was a good enough school (at least for me). Then came the offer to NJ. I honestly felt I didn't deserve it. I didn't have awesome grades nor did I have much to offer. There were so many more eligible and deserving people who applied with me but didn't get it. I knew, because these people were gossiping behind my back. Yes, the girl who scored way worse grades than you actually managed to get into NJ. Even my own form teacher laughed in disbelief when I told her I was going to NJ *cries in sorrow*. And now that A's are over... with the kind of grades I got... I actually got way more offers than I ever had my entire life. The worst thing is... I really think I don't deserve it this time. Well sure, I did put in the effort to complete the application form but that is about it. And the first time in my entire life I actually got offered the holy thing that starts with an "S". I must sound like some country bumpkin to those over-achievers. But hey, there is always a first time. And I am really really grateful to be given so much.

But then, for this girl who has never been given a choice, to suddenly be faced with so many offers, I just don't believe that I will be able to make that rational and wise decision. So many "what if's" floating in my head. Seeking advice and help from others don't really help either because they are either too judgmental or busy with their own applications. And yes, in the end I get this "It's your life, your decision." I KNOW. BUT I AM SO DAMN LOST. Oh yeah go on and say how I am actually indirectly bragging that I have so many offers and I am too good. No I am not. If I knew I was good, I would have just taken the best choice and reject the rest. I am really considering every offer, no matter how small, because I want to treasure this opportunity and be thankful to whoever who gave this chance to me. I want to thank that person for seeing beyond my grades and choosing me because he/she sees hidden (really hidden and deep and maybe almost non-existent) potential in me.

Now the problem is whether I can cope. I am not the kind of person who will push myself to study. Never been. Okay maybe I will with peer pressure and the deadline haunting me... However I am too easily distracted and just prioritise everything else "fun" above work. While others have spent 3 hours studying, I spent that time playing games, watching videos and surfing the web. Whatever I have been offered will require a whole new level of discipline I have yet to achieve (or maybe I did for that last month before A's)... I feel scared and insecure that should I just flop, everything I got will be lost. It is just that easy. However, I still want my life. I want to try something new, pursue whatever passion I have and continue with it. It just sucks to know that no matter what, I have to strike that off my list because of... studies.

Now everything just scares me. Last time, it used to be just take this, this and this, no matter what you have these few to fall back on. I have no back up plan now. It is just one course, not 4 H2 subjects! And that course will determine my future, what I will do for the rest of my life. Am I up for this challenge? I don't know.

rambled on 3/15/2012 09:19:00 pm

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