Saturday, May 24, 2008

Feeling pretty down now.. though I know I should be happy and all, that exams are over...
But now that everything is over, I feel like things have gotten a little meaningless...
Mugging and mugging your topics.. day after day... it is either you keep going and get more tired or you stop but once you take a break, it is hard to get back on track.
It is just like.. sian.
There is like no point in trying so hard when in the end, the results may just suck more
Crying will never solve any problems. I've told myself that time and time again. So what if you cry and reflect but after going through all that trouble, there is still no improvement. I have been trying, very very hard. It is just, I think I try too hard that in the end, I try aimlessly and nothing comes out of it.
我本来是个没自信的人，只有自知。。。每天都想成功，但就是没有那个自信去达到自己的目标。后来，我有了自信但失去了自知，那时就会横冲直撞而因为做不到事情就乱发脾气。现在呢？我两个都没了。。。每天只会想要这个想要那个，但不会怎么做而把事情弄得更糟！
Inspiration from HMT paper...
but anw! Point is, I feel really hopeless now. I've reminded myself not to cry, I've scolded myself for crying because I know that that will not change the fact that I have not been doing well enough. I believe that you only deserve to cry when you have tried really hard and everything else just fails, only cry when you have no other option and yet, I always succumb to the temptation of crying whenever, wherever. You had other options, you did not try hard, you are only cheating yourself. Living in a whole pack of lies!
I'm tired of needing to regret only after I made a mistake.
I'm tired of needing to realise its too late after I did something wrong.
I'm tired of reflecting on how stupid I have been behaving.
I'm tired of having all the sleepness nights due to guilt.
I'm tired of the constant self-reminders.
I'm tired of hurting those around me.
I'm tired of neglecting those I love.
I'm tired of focusing on the wrong thing every time.
I'm tired of feeling bad.
I'm tired of myself.
I'm tired of getting jealous over such small matters.
I'm tired of mending the relationships I carelessly destroyed.

But, I am not changing because although I am tired, the life that I have now cannot be replaced.
If I change now, other things may change, and who knows, it may get better, it may get worse.
I don't intend to find out though because I accept the fact that this is me, but there is the 'me' now because of all these events around me. Everything changed ever since I entered primary school. I learnt what a true friend means. Then came secondary school, Choir totally lit up my life. Believe it or not, I never was interested in choir at all. In primary school, I though choir was a CCA for singing wannabe or for those who cannot sing that's why they go there to pretend to be able to sing. My mother was ranting at me to get a preforming arts CCA. Why? Cos of CCA points. She said that these 'magical' points can ease the stress on my o lvl results. Indeed, they are magical. Cos that was when I found my second family? Sec 1 wasn't a very smooth journey in terms of friendship. I was still discovering who I wanted to be, the intro or extro? I thought this would be easy but easier said than done. In the end, in a failed attempt to try and accommodate both, I became a wierdo. However, in choir, I felt free and that I could be myself. Just naturally me and not pretending to be someone I'm not, Because of this, I grew. I learnt. In sec 2, I met termites. Haha, that's what you can say when things really began to change for me and I really really did not mind this life. However, happy things are always short term, NJC happened and everything was lost. Well sort of... and now here I am again. I am not sure if I am re-experiencing sec 1 again or not.. sheesh! This always happens when I meet ppl I'm gonna be with for a long time! I get super nervous cos I'm scared I will offend them or not click with them and in the end screwing it up even more cos I keep acting wierd like I got split personality or something... And if they ignore me or sth I get super over-sensitive to just a little response cos I really wanna know if they have accepted me or not. and hello, note: I do not have inferiorty complex nor insecurity nor any psychopath/mental(though I admit I'm a lil retarded)/crazy problems hor. I think many ppl also go through the same thing, I'm juz a little more to the extreme side... Well, frankly I love my class now. I have met many different ppl and again I think I have changed. I hope for the better though... (hehe) As for choir, I would never regret joining choir, even if I cannot participate for SYF next year, I still will not regret. Cos this time, when I joined choir, I joined it for passion and not for CCA points. XD

whee writing this post has made me much happier! can detect the mood change right? haha so blogging does relief stress! yepp! it sure does! haha! so actually wadever I wrote up there is actually all useless junk/crap now so it has been thrown into the dustbin in my mind. ah! tt means i wasted your time reading this! ahhh sry! psps!

rambled on 5/24/2008 12:25:00 am

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